My mind is much a disaster lately. I've been doing things, nothing of noting.  Seeing thoughts that could become something but crumble apart when made real.  Feelings of destruction, like the only way to live my life is to be constantly staring over.  I want to start from nothing so the feelings I have will be pure.

Blond Babes and Sweet Secrets Inside

This last week was spent at my parents house, which instead of being a slightly traumatic experience was actually quite lovely. A major part that contributed to what I want more of my visits to pan out like was that I got to cook them an dinner entirely from scratch one night and then two days later I baked some sweets that really turned out beautifully.

I was a little lost for what to bake but then the fact that I had bought nothing in the kitchen and my apprehensions quickly disappeared.

Toffifee Blondies

First of all, be careful when you cut the toffees because they're a bit awkward due to their shape and hitting to hazelnut inside made my knife slip a couple of times. It's all about pressure, swiftness, and a steady hand.
The original recipe, which I've tweaked, from Simply Recipes suggested butterscotch chips but you could use chopped chocolate or walnuts or whatever you want, the toffees just happened to be at my disposal and I thought it would be a fun twist on a pretty basic dessert. Also, I used golden brown sugar and it worked great, gave it a lighter taste than what I assume the dark brown sugar would produce, though still moist and chewy.

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Lightly butter and flour an 8X8 pan.

In a medium bowl, whisk together:
1/2 cup butter, melted
1 cup tightly packed dark or golden brown sugar

Add and whisk:
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla

Add and mix together:
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp baking soda
Pinch of salt
1 cup flour

Mix in:
1/3 cup (six pieces) chopped Toffifee

Spread evenly in pan. Bake 20-25 mins or until a toothpick comes out clean. Let cool 5-10 minutes.

I have a history of never being able to bake peanut butter cookies. However, whilst in a flurry of baking, I decided to conquer my fear of mushy middles and burnt bottoms. Instead of the traditional route I went for the peanut butter cookie's hi-bred chocolate version with a sweet surprise inside that reminds one of the old classic.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookies

(I didn't take a prep photo so here's a stock photo of peanut butter.)

This recipe from Dragon's Kitchen takes awhile to put together so I'd suggest holding off on preheating your oven until near the end so you don't unnecessarily waste energy. I bet every time someone says anything remotely about environmental sustainability they get put on a list that adds up until there's enough to dub you an eco-terrorist... But I digress. HA, ANYWAY. It was suggested to use an electric mixer but if you're like me and don't care for, would want to clean, or even have an electric mixer then just use a large (silicone, preferably) whisk and move to a good spatula or wooden spoon when adding the dry mixture into the wet. And last but not least, I know it's tempting to make bigger cookies but this makes 32 if followed and they turn out perfectly.

Cookie:

In a medium bowl combine:

1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt

Set dry mixture aside.

In a large bowl beat together:
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup smooth peanut butter

Add and beat well:
1 egg
1 tablespoon milk
1 teaspoon vanilla

Stir dry into the wet, making sure to get it really mix together. Form chocolate dough into 32 balls about 1-1/4 inches in diameter.


Filling:

In a medium mixing bowl beat until smooth:
3/4 cup sifted powdered sugar
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter

Shape filling mixture into 32 (3/4-inch) balls.

Now you should preheat your oven to 350 degrees F.

On a work surface, slightly flatten a chocolate dough ball and top with a peanut butter ball. Shape the chocolate dough over the peanut butter filling, completely covering the filling. Roll dough into a ball. Repeat with the remaining chocolate dough and peanut butter filling balls.

Place balls 2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Lightly flatten with the bottom of a glass dipped in a small bowl of granulated sugar.

Bake for 8 mins or until they're just set and surface is slightly cracked. Let stand for 1 min. Transfer cookies to wire racks; cool.

WOO!

Chubby motherfucker

But that's cool now because I'm starting to love myself more and more each day.  Once my back is better I'm sure I drop a little weight but that's cool, too.  It doesn't matter.  Fuck mainstream concepts of beauty.  I love my hips and tits and I'm gonna fuckin' rock it.

Fuck depression

February has been shit.  It's also been really good.  Some things that happen to me are my own fault and some aren't.  I can no longer dwell on any of it because it only pushes me back into lifelessness, back into my depression.  The all consuming monster that is my depression can no longer define me or determine how I go into each day and each situation.  My anxiety is a product of my mind and I need to be stronger than who I think I am to overcome it.  I need to live as the person I want to be and appreciate what I've gone through, good or bad, but not let it hold me back from moving forward.  I'm tired of this shit but I'm more tired and pissed off that I'm just laying in it.

I keep waking up feeling like it's more late April or early May, and I rather it was.  This winter has been no good to me and I can't wait to feel the freedom of the sun and water on my skin.

Sometimes there's nothing else you can do

All I've been doing is playing on Polyvore, listening to my friend bitch about her ex, and chain smoking.  My Grandfather died tonight.  I don't know what else to do.

So that's where I'm at

When deciding what I want to do with my life it's important to keep my options open.  I could bake bread in between every hopeless endeavour and say, "Well at least I learned."  Or I could make something of the life I've been given and try to constantly live in a state of self-satisfaction.  And maybe that's not such a bad thing, nobody's suppose to be impressed by my life other than myself.  Who cares if I don't write a book or create a work of art? No one.  All that matters is that I created a bit of myself for me to appreciate in the moment.